Chapter 3
Data Analysis
This chapter aims to examine Noppon’s and Momratchawong Kirati’s characteristics which present a narcissistic character and the cause of their narcissism by using the psychological concept of narcissism of DSM-IV, Andrew Comiskey, Jeffrey J. Haugaards, and Leanne Payne to explain them.
Noppon’s characteristics
Noppon displays narcissism because he is an adolescent still in puberty. From Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism (2000), Comiskey (2000) writes:
In our development as persons, everyone goes through two distinctly narcissistic phases, the first being in early childhood. Secondly, during the teen-age years, one spends an unusual amount of time focusing on self. (S)he is pre-occupied with one’s emerging body and personality and how both are perceived by others. The teen-age struggles for self-acceptance and the acceptance of others. (104)
In accordance with Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism (2000), it proves that Noppon displays narcissism because he is a young man still in puberty. At this point, many people may argue that Noppon is not in puberty because he is already 22 years old, but from what he narrates about himself in the story about his youthful infatuation with Momratchawong Kirati when they are in Japan it is clearly shown that he is still going through puberty at age 22. The story of Behind the Painting unfolds in a flashback by Noppon to the time when he is a student in Japan. He tells of his youth infatuation with Momratchawong Kirati, an upper class woman, visiting Japan with her husband. Upon meeting her for the first time, Noppon falls in love with her. This feeling sparks a sexual interest in women that he has never has felt before. A new pleasant awareness of the differences between Noppon and Momratchawong Kirati caught his imagination. He describes the feeling he has after he has just met Momratchawong Kirati this way:
When a person becomes intimately involved with our life, the events and feelings of that first day when we meet them leave a lasting impression upon our minds. That navy blue suit with the white polka dot pattern and the white hat and shoes were the first instance that the clothes a woman was wearing had made such an impression upon me. It was an outfit which I felt was proud and dignified. Momratchawong Kirati was plumpish without being large. She had a healthy radiant appearance with a soft complexion. Having seen her from close quarters on several occasions, I was even more convinced of her beauty. Her large black eyes sparkled beneath long eyebrows and her cheeks glowed with health; her tiny chin curved upwards slightly and had a lovely dimple on it. Her lips were long and slender, forming two red triangles at the top with a third beneath, making them more beautiful than anything. I have to confess I had never seen such a beautiful pair of lips above such a small chin. (21-22)เหตุการณ์และความรู้สึกต่าง ๆ ในวันแรก ที่บันดาลให้คน ๆ หนึ่งเข้ามาแนบอยู่ในชีวิตของเรานั้น ย่อมประทับอยู่ในความทรงจำของเราอย่างไม่มีวันลืม เครื่องแต่งกายชุดสีน้ำเงิน มีดวงดอกขาวเล็ก ๆ หมวกสีขาว และรองเท้าสีขาว เป็นเครื่องแต่งกายของสุภาพสตรีชุดแรก ที่เข้ามาฝังอยู่ในหัวข้าพเจ้า เป็นชุดที่ข้าพเจ้ารู้สึกว่า มีสง่าและภาคภูมิอย่างยิ่ง หม่อมราชวงค์กีรติเป็นคนร่างอวบแต่ว่าไม่ใช่คนใหญ่โต สมบูรณ์และเปล่งปลั่ง ผิวอ่อน ดวงหน้านั่นเมื่อได้สังเกตเห็นโดยใกล้ชิดและบ่อยครั้ง ก็ยิ่งประจักษ์ในความสวยงามเด่นชัดทวีขึ้น ดวงตาดำใหญ่ภายใต้ขนคิ้วยาว มีน้ำสุกใสหล่อยู่ในดวงตานั้น แก้มปลั่งคางเล็กเชิดนิดหน่อยจนมีรอยบุ๋มอันน่าพิศวาสเหนือคางลูกนั้น ริมฝีปากเรียวยาวและเต็ม ประทับด้วยรูปสามเหลี่ยมสีแดงสองรูปเบื้องบน และอีกรูปหนึ่งที่เบื้องล่าง ทำให้ริมฝีปากคู่นั้นมีความงามเหนือสิ่งใด ๆ หมด ข้าพเจ้าต้องยอมสารภาพว่า ไม่เคยเห็นริมฝีปากงามคู่ใดที่จะได้เคยตั้งอยู่บนคางเล็ก ๆ นั้น และยังตบแต่งได้งานถึงปานนั้นด้วย (12)
It seems that Noppon, like many adolescents in the twentieth century, has fallen for a pretty face. Upon seeing her the first time, an impression comes into his heart. The chasm between himself and Momratchawong Kirati (as a man and a woman) is bridged. Paradoxically, while discovering the otherliness of woman, he is also an awakening to the similarities between Momratchawong Kirati and himself. Captivated by her beauty and femininity, he also senses that he shares something common with her:
That day I was wearing my university student’s uniform and that was the first thing about me that Momratchawong Kirati showed an interest in. She said it was nice and neat and that what she really liked was the color – it was navy blue – which as it happened, was the same color she was wearing, her skirt and jacket both having a white polka dot pattern. There was nothing ostentatious about the color, yet it had an indescribably proud and dignified appearance. (20)
ในวันนั้นข้าพเจ้าแต่งเครื่องแบบของนักเรียนมหาวิทยาลัย ซึ่งเป็นสิ่งแรกในตัวข้าพเจ้าที่หม่อมราชวงค์กีรติมีความสนใจ เธอชมเชยว่าเป็นเครื่องแบบที่เรียบร้อยน่าเอ็นดู และที่เธอชอบมากคือสีของมัน – สีน้ำเงิน เธอก็บังเอิญแต่งสีเดียวกัน – สีน้ำเงิน และมีดวงดอกขาวประดับอยู่ทั่วผืนผ้า ทั้งกระโปรงและเสื้อ เป็นสีที่ไม่ฉูดฉาด แต่ถึงเช่นนั้นก็มีความภาคภูมิและมีสง่าอย่างบอกไม่ถูก (10)
On seeing Momratchawong Kirati, Noppon feels an indefinable pleasure rising within him. This feeling is so foreign to him that he simply does not know what is happening. At this point, Noppon is experiencing the normal sexual desire a man feels toward a woman he finds attractive. The sexual awakening he has while seeing Momratchawong Kirati parallels what most males experience in adolescence. Noppon’s feeling for Momratchawong Kirati is a response to his sexual desire, not real love. His romantic feeling toward her develops so fast within one week because “he becomes fond of people quickly” (24), and “he is lonely” (25). As he reveals,
I had been abroad for three years with no family to pamper me, preoccupied with my studies and leading a frugal and barren existence, it had been so long since I had encountered such kindness; and meeting it at a time when I was lonely, I found it made an even greater impression upon me (25).
การที่ออกมาอยู่ต่างประเทศเสียตั้ง 3 ปี ไม่มีญาติพี่น้องคอยพะเน้าพะนอเอาใจ ต้องหมกหมุ่นกับการเล่าเรียน ต้องอยู่กินอย่างประหยัดและมีชีวิตอย่างแห้งแล้ง นานแสนนาน ได้มาพบความปราณีเช่นนี้และได้พบในยามเปล่าเปลี่ยวใจ ได้ทำให้ข้าพเจ้ารู้สึกซาบซึ้งในความปราณีนั้นมาก” (16-17)
We note that Noppon has just known Momratchawong Kirati for one week. This is perfectly frightening how one person falls in love with the other within one week just because “he becomes fond of people quickly” (24), and “he is lonely” (25). The real danger of this kind of love is shown in the later chapters of the novel when Noppon wakes up one morning to find that his love for Momratchawong Kirati is easily and completely dried up after two years of the separation between her and him. To love someone because of fondness and loneliness is not a mature and healthy love. If He had married her, Noppon might have awakened one morning to find she did not live up to his idealized image, the perfect romantic lover.
The way Noppon falls in love with Momratchawong Kirati is narcissistic because it is self-seeking, which is not true love. A scripture in Christian Bible teaches that “[love] is not self-seeking…” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Based on this scripture, Noppon has confused the appearance of love for the reality of love because he only seeks for wholeness in Momratchawong Kirati. He sees her as the way he wants her to be for completing himself. He never really sees her as a real person, but he sees her as “a poet” (28), “a philosopher” (28), “someone special” (28), “an artist” (30), “a painter” (30), “a writer” (30), “a lively Chrysanthemum” (37), and “a character out of history” (75). For Noppon, Momratchawong Kirati is his idealized woman. He admires and almost worships her as someone who is above and special for him. He even believes that he must be more clever than usual, if he has a chance to be near her. From the way he seeks for wholeness from Momratchawong Kirati, it could be said that he is narcissistic. According to Comiskey (2000), people who exist to keep narcissists in business, always seek completion in others and make others to be their gods with the hope that these gods will save them from profound neediness.
Narcissists believe that they are superior, special, or unique and expect other to recognize them as such (American Psychiatric Association, 2000). Noppon, a narcissist, has an insatiable need for attention from Momratchawong Kirati because he believes he is special for her. He seeks to get her attention by posing himself as a nice boy and a good friend to her. He wants her to see him as her perfect lover. Thus, when she asks him about his marriage plans, rather than telling her the truth that he already has a fiancée waiting for him in Thailand, Noppon lies to her by telling that he has no plans for marriage. He does so without thinking about the feelings of Momratchawong Kirati if and when she finds out the truth that he has concealed from her. Though he truly knows that to lie to her like that is wrong, he takes an easy way out by rationalizing that it is not a lie:
Was I trying to keep it from her? I am not really sure. However, I did not lie to her or tell her something that was untrue. Perhaps I was not trying to hide anything from her because I had not been asked whether I had a fiancée waiting for me in Thailand. But supposing she had asked, how would I have answered? My heart was pounding (40).
ข้าพเจ้าตั้งใจจะอำพรางเธอหรือ ข้าพเจ้าไม่สู้จะแน่ใจนัก อย่างไรก็ตาม ข้าพเจ้าเห็นว่าข้าพเจ้ามิได้ปดเธอ มิได้กล่าวเท็จแก่เธอในเรื่องนี้ ข้าพเจ้าอาจไม่ได้ตั้งใจตั้งใจอำพรางเธอเลยก็ได้ เพราะว่าข้าพเจ้ายังมิเคยถูกถามว่าข้าพเจ้ามีคู่หมั้นคอยอยู่ที่เมืองไทยหรือไม่ แต่ถ้าเธอถามขึ้นเล่า ข้าพเจ้าจะตอบอย่างไร หัวใจข้าพเจ้าเต้นแรงผิดปรกติ (38)
Though Noppon feels guilty, he continues his secretive love affair with Momratchawong Kirati because of the desire he has for her. His desires are partially fueled by the fact that this love affair is forbidden because Momratchawong Kirati is a married woman. To understand this, Mario Bergner (1995) writes that “in the nature of human beings, we always perversely desire that which is forbidden to us. Forbidden desire is often a driving force behind passionate adulterous love affairs.” (175) Noppon, now, is enjoying his secretive love affair with Momratchawong Kirati. He attempts to keep this relationship in secret by covering it up with lies. The way he lies to her, is proves that Noppon lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize the feelings and needs of Momratchawong Kirati. According to American Psychiatric Association, the narcissist lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feeling and needs of others. What Noppon lies to Momratchawong Kirati makes her have hope in him. He takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends by lying to Momratchawong Kirati and Chao Khun. He also lacks sensitivity to the feelings of others. He lies to get whatever he wants, no matter what it might mean to others or that it might bring destruction to others in the future.
Noppon develops a grandiose sense of self-importance after having a close contact with and learning the very personal story of Momratchawong Kirati. According to American Psychiatric Association, a grandiose sense of self-importance is a character of narcissist. Here, he blithely assumes that he is “the most essential part” (53) of Momratchawong Kirati’s daily life.
I had become an essential part in the day-to-day life of Momratchawong Kirati, perhaps even the most essential. By that, I do not mean to boast, merely to tell the truth (53).
ข้าพเจ้าได้กลายไปเป็นส่วนหนึ่งแห่งความต้องการในชีวิตประจำวันของหม่อมราชวงค์กีรติ และอาจเป็นส่วนสำคัญที่สุดในความต้องการทั้งหลายแหล่ของเธอด้วย ข้าพเจ้ามิได้หมายจะโอ่อวด ข้าพเจ้าเพียงแต่จะกล่าวความตามที่เป็นจริงเท่านั้น (57-58)
Though Noppon has known Momratchawong Kirati for only a short period of time and he knows rationally that there is no hope of having a romantic relationship with her, as she is a married woman, he comes to believe that he is very special for her and continues to have very strong affection toward her. As he reveals,
At first, I tried to prevent my thoughts from straying into this unfamiliar world. I was afraid I might find something frightening hidden there. But then I gave up trying, telling myself that there was nothing I could do to stop myself. I was incapable of withstanding the allure and excitement of this new world. I had to give my heart full rein (55-56).
ในชั้นแรกข้าพเจ้าได้พยายามจะป้องกันมิให้จิตใจของข้าพเจ้าได้ท่องเที่ยวไปในโลก ซึ่งข้าพเจ้ามิคุ้นเคยมาแต่ก่อน ข้าพเจ้าหวาดเกรงว่าจะประสบสิ่งที่น่าตระหนกตกใจหลบซ่อนอยู่ ณ ที่ใดที่หนึ่งในโลกใหม่อันเป็นที่น่าพิสมัยนั้น แต่ต่อมาข้าพเจ้าก็ถอนความพยายาม ด้วยบอกแก่ตนเองว่าเป็นการเหลือวิสัยที่จะป้องกัน ข้าพเจ้าไม่สามารถจะต่อต้านกับความยียวนใจในโลกใหม่นั้นได้ ข้าพเจ้าจำต้องปล่อยให้จิตใจกำดัดหนุ่มของข้าพเจ้าท่องเที่ยวไปโดยอิสระ (60)
Here, Noppon is experiencing the normal sexual response a man feels toward a woman he finds attractive. The indefinable pleasure (sexual desire) which is aroused within him by contact with Momratchawong Kirati is so foreign to him that he simply does not know what is happening. He does not go looking for it. Rather, it finds him and catches him off guard:
Finally, the day came, when I stepped into that world myself, the day when my real life touched that world: I reached the summit of Everest in my relationship with Momratchawong Kirati. I do not know how I managed it. I do not even know whether I meant to or not. I do not think I did. This moment of passion and intensity occurred at Mitake (56).
ในที่สุด วันซึ่งข้าพเจ้าได้ย่างเหยียบเข้าไปสู่โลกนั้นด้วยตนเองก็ได้มาถึง วันที่ชีวิตอันแท้จริงของข้าพเจ้าได้สัมผัสกับความเป็นอยู่ของโลกนั้นข้าพเจ้าได้ป่ายปีนไปจนบรรลุถึงยอดเอเวอเรสต์แห่งความสัมพันธ์ระหว่างข้าพเจ้ากับหม่อมราชวงค์กีรติ ข้าพเจ้าไม่ทราบว่า ข้าพเจ้าได้ป่ายปีนขึ้นมาได้อย่างไรจนถึงยอดที่สูงที่สุดนี้ ข้าพเจ้าไม่ทราบจนกระทั่งว่า ข้าพเจ้าได้ตั้งใจจะป่ายปีนขึ้นมาหรือไม่ ข้าพเจ้าคิดว่าข้าพเจ้าไม่ได้ตั้งใจเลย เหตุการณ์ที่ประกอบด้วยความรู้สึกรุนแรงและร้อนเป็นไฟนี้ ได้เกิดขึ้นที่มิตาเกะ (60-61)
Noppon is caught by his sexual awakening. He cannot resist this feeling because he does not understand what it is. He, finally, continues this strong affection until it bursts out one day at Mitake. Noppon and Momratchawong Kirati have a chance to visit Mount Mitake one day. There, they have come to a new world, the world of fantasy which is far away from reality. For them, Mitake is a never-ending paradise that has beautiful natural resources and without being monitored by other people in society. Here, Noppon sees Momratchawong Kirati and himself as “a pair of children” (60) and “Adam and Eve” (61). They focus only on themselves. They express their love by giving flowers to each other and forget the reality that their love affair is forbidden. Noppon is self-centered. Though he knows the fact that the love affair between Momratchawong Kirati and him is forbidden, he is overwhelmed by his strong sexual desire. On Mount Mitake, when Noppon sees Momratchaowong Kirati spending a moment to make up her face and hair, he is sitting right at her feet, and he is suddenly overwhelmed by her beautiful face, the face that arouses a variety of unexplainable feelings within him. Noppon, unconsciously, has no strength to resist it. Thus, he kisses her:
My face buried itself against her soft pink cheeks. I no longer had the strength to restrain myself. I held her close to me and kissed her passionately. For a moment I was unconscious, lost in oblivion. (73)
หน้าของข้าพเจ้าซบลงที่พวงแก้มสีชมพูอ่อนของเธอ ไม่มีอำนาจอะไรในตัวข้าพเจ้าเหลืออยู่ที่จะควบคุมยับยั้งไว้ได้ ข้าพเจ้าประคองกอดเธอไว้แนบกาย และจุมพิตเธอด้วยสุดเสน่หา ข้าพเจ้าหมดสติ หมดความรู้สึกไปชั่วขณะหนึ่ง (84)
Noppon cannot stop himself. He kisses Momratchawong Kirati to satisfy his desire. After doing so, he explains his reason to Momratchawong Kirati:
“I feel absolutely terrible. I don’t know what to say to redeem myself. All I know for sure is that I was overcome by love. Even though it’s true that what I did was wrong, I’m subject to the laws of nature. I tried to escape them, but when I came face to face with love, I couldn’t and I was forced into a corner. I beg you not to bring reason into it, nor right and wrong. I have no answer. These came after the laws of nature and we are all subject to her laws” (74).
“ผมรู้สึกอัดอั้นตันใจอย่างที่สุด ผมไม่รู้ว่าจะตอบคุณหญิงได้อย่างไรจึงจะทำให้ผมอยู่ในที่อันถูกต้องได้ ผมรู้แน่แต่ว่าความรักมี อำนาจเหนือผม ถึงแม้การที่ผมได้กระทำไปจะผิดต่อศีลธรรมจรรยาก็จริง แต่ผมก็อยู่ในบังคับของกฎธรรมชาติ ผมได้พยายามจะหลบแต่ผมหลบออกมาไม่ได้ ในยามที่ได้มาเผชิญหน้ากับความรักและเป็นการเผชิญอย่างจนตรอก ผมขอร้องคุณหญิง โปรดอย่าเอาเหตุผลมาพูดกัน โปรดอย่าเอาศีลธรรมจรรยามาพูดกัน ผมไม่มีทางจะโต้ตอบ สิ่งเหล่านี้ได้สร้างขึ้นภายหลังกฎธรรมชาติ และเราอยู่ในบังคับของกฎธรรมชาติด้วยกันทุกคน” (86-86)
It is obvious that Noppon is overwhelmed by sexual desire. Though this awakening is natural and real, it needs to be mature because his feelings for Momratchawong Kirati are the main focus of the experience of normal sexual desire a man feels toward a woman, not her as the person she really is. After returning from Mount Mitake, anytime Noppon has to be with Chao Khun, he stands in the presence of Chao Khun with a guilty conscience and feeling shame because he knows rationally what he did on the mountain was morally wrong. He feels like he is a “criminal” (80) who is committing a serious crime. However, he is still so madly in love especially after Momratchawong Kirati has returned to Thailand. He sinks into despair over her departure. He grieves for her like grieving for the death of a loved one. As he describes,
When I reached Tokyo the next morning, I went straight to Aoyamachihan District to see her house. I felt as if I were visiting the grave of someone I loved dearly. It was as if Momratchawong Kirati had died (86).
มาถึงโตเกียวในเช้ารุ่งขึ้น ข้าพเจ้าตรงไปที่ตำบลอาโอยามาชิฮัง ไปเยี่ยมบ้านของเธอ ความรู้สึกของข้าพเจ้าในเวลานั้นราวกับว่าไปเยี่ยมสถานฝังศพของบุคคลที่ข้าพเจ้าแสนรัก ราวกับว่าหม่อมราชวงค์กีรติได้ตายจากข้าพเจ้าไป (103) Noppon, by grieving for Momratchawong Kirati like she has already passed away, proves that he does not love her correctly. The feeling he has over her departure is so dramatically out of reality and has become so strong that he frequently dreams about her after her departure. For Noppon, romance between Momratchawong Kirati and himself is almost an act of worship. He seeks in romantic love to consume the sensation of love. As long as he is in love, the world is beautiful. When he is not in love, the world is a cold. To relieve the burden in his heart, Noppon writes many letters to Momratchawong Kirati. In his letters, he confesses his love for her and begs her to answer him that she loves him too. In her reply, she never ever mentions love. Instead, she asks him to dry up his desire for her, and think of her as a friend or a sister, and reminds him to focus on his study and his future. After Noppon has read her letters, he is very hurt by her rejection and inclined to think that she really does mean it. While Noppon is trying to cope with his hurt feelings of rejection, he receives many letters from his family and relatives in Thailand. In the letters, his family and relatives encourage him to focus on his study and future. The messages from his family and relatives help him to ease the hurt from being rejected by Momratchawong Kirati. Therefore, after two years of separation from Momratchawong Kirati, Noppon quickly finds that the desire he has toward her has dried up, and his love that he has always believed was true love has gone from his heart. He easily finds that Momratchawong Kirati does not live up to his idealized image and is no longer a perfect lover any more. Now, the feeling he has for her is just a feeling he has for a friend:
Looking back at the way I felt then, I myself am still surprised and at a loss to explain why Momratchawong Kirait so quickly lost importance to me. I had been so besotted with her and regarded her as the most important person in my life. She was a woman I could not separate from my own life, because if she were separated from it, my life would no longer have been complete. After the passage of two years, all I knew was that she was just one of many close friends I had in Bangkok (96).
ข้าพเจ้าเอง เมื่อระลึกถึงความรู้สึกในเวลานั้นแล้วก็ยังประหลาดใจและตอบแก่ตัวเองไม่ได้ว่า เหตุใดหม่อมราชวงค์กีรติจึงเสียความสลักสำคัญไปเร็วนัก ข้าพเจ้าผู้คุ้มคลั่งคิดถึงเธอ และนับเธอว่าเป็นบุคคลสำคัญที่สุดในชีวิตข้าพเจ้า เป็นสตรีที่จะแยกออกไปไม่ได้จากชีวิตของข้าพเจ้า เพราะว่าถ้าแยกไปแล้ว ชีวิตของข้าพเจ้าก็จะไม่เป็นสิ่งสมบูรณ์ ครั้นเวลา 2 ปีผ่านไป ข้าพเจ้ารู้สึกในตัวเธอแต่เพียงว่า เธอเป็นคนหนึ่งในบรรดามิตรอีกหลายคนที่ข้าพเจ้ามีอยู่ในกรุงเทพฯ (119)
Noppon’s strong desire for Momratchawong Kirati has easily dried up because this feeling he always had for her was only desire of a young man not true love. If he truly loved her, he would not see her as his idealized image of woman, an object he seeks for himself and for whom he easily dries up his love. After Noppon has forgotten Momratchawong Kirati, he turns his interest only to his study and future.
After two years, communication between Momratchawong Kirati and myself had become so infrequent that scarcely a trace of the past remained in my heart…In fact, I was increasingly burdened with my studies, and as I had recovered my mental equilibrium, I immersed myself in my studies and plans for my future career. (96)
จนกระทั่งเวลาล่วงไป 2 ปี การติดต่อระหว่างข้าพเจ้ากับหม่อมราชวงค์กีรติก็ห่างไปมาก จนแทบจะไม่มีร่องรอยแห่งความหลังเหลืออยู่ในจิตใจของข้าพเจ้า...ที่จริงข้าพเจ้าก็มีภาระในการศึกษาเล่าเรียนทับทวีขึ้นและเมื่อจิตใจของข้าพเจ้าปลอดโปร่งจากความคุ้มคลั่งแล้ว ข้าพเจ้าก็หมดมุ่นใส่ใจอยู่แต่ในการเล่าเรียนและแผนการงานแห่งชีวิตในอนาคต (118)
Noppon is more mature and stepping into the adulthood. He is no longer concentrated on himself and the love of adolescence. He, instead, becomes more focused on his own vocation and the needs of his family and others. For a better understanding about this, Comiskey (2000) writes:
One passes through this second and last phase of narcissism as (s)he steps onto the sure ground of self-acceptance. Once this stage of development is resolved, (s)he is prepared for adulthood, and its challenge of becoming focused on one’s vocation and the needs of others. (104)
In the adulthood, Noppon’s ideas about love and marriage have changed. He does not pay much attention to the sensation of the romantic feeling of love, but he approaches to the reality of love and marriage. As he says,
But then what was marriage? I was not very clear about it at the time. I thought vaguely that she must be a suitable enough partner. Otherwise, why would my father have chosen her to be my spouse, for he was not a fool. At a suitable time after my return to Bangkok, he would probably arrange our marriage and I would raise no objections. Even though the marriage would not be built upon a basis mutual love, I would gradually become close to her and before long would feel fondness and love for her. She would look after the home and I would go to work and struggle against all difficulties for advancement in my career. There was not much more to marriage than this. (98)
แต่การแต่งงานคืออะไรเล่า ข้าพเจ้ายังไม่สู้แจ่มแจ้งในเวลานั้น ข้าพเจ้าคิดเลือน ๆ ไปในเวลานั้นว่า เธอคงจะเป็นสุภาพสตรีที่ดีพอ สมควรที่จะแต่งงานกับข้าพเจ้า มิฉะนั้นไหนเลยคุณพ่อจะเลือกเฟ้นเอามาเป็นคู่ครองของข้าพเจ้า เพราะว่าท่านเป็นคนฉลาด เมื่อกลับเข้าไปกรุงเทพฯ และภายในเวลาอันควร ท่านคงจะจัดแจงให้เราทั้งสองได้แต่งงานกัน ข้าพเจ้าคงจะไม่รังเกียจเธอ แม้ว่าการแต่งงานนั้นจะไม่ได้มีขึ้นด้วยอาศัยความพิศวาสดูดดื่มในกันและกันเป็นมูลฐาน ข้าพเจ้าคงจะค่อยสนิทสนมกับเธอ จนเกิดความเอ็นดู ปราณี และรักใคร่เธอไปเองในไม่ช้า เธอก็จะดูแลบ้านช่องไป ข้าพเจ้าก็จะทำงานไป ฝ่าฟันความยากลำบากไปเพื่อความรุ่งเรืองยิ่งในการประกอบการงาน การแต่งงานก็ดูจะไม่มีอะไรไปมากกว่านี้ (121)
When Noppon thinks of marriage, he does not focus on the sensation of love at all. Moreover, his idea about the marriage is based on the reality of life. Here, it could be said that he has entered into adulthood and be less narcissistic. In order to understand the drop of Noppon’s narcissistic character, Jeffrey J. Haugaads’ concept of narcissism should be taken into consideration. According to Haugaads (2001), the significant social changes, such as entry into a college or university, and family demands are able to help adolescents to be less narcissistic and more mature. For Noppon, after the separation from Momratchawong Kirati, he has nothing to divert his attention from his studies. Thus, he studies harder and aims for graduation. During the years of his study Noppon receives encouragement from his family. His father expresses his wish to see Noppon be successful in his life and get married after returning to Thailand. As a result of the separation from Momratchawong Kirati and his father’s demand, Noppon becomes mature and his idea about marriage is based on the reality of life. When he thinks of Momratchawong Kirati, he does not think of her with the overwhelmed sexual desire anymore. This is proved when he returns to Thailand and has a chance to be with her again. About five days after his arrival in Bangkok, Noppon goes to visit Momratchawong Kirati at her home. At her house, they are alone together in the stillness with an atmosphere which ought to have evoked intense feelings, and that evening Noppon stayed to have dinner and talk with her. At the dinning table, Momratchawong Kirati is busy serving him. She is as sweet and graceful to him as ever but his feelings are not set into passionate turmoil as they had once been. Instead, as she behaves that way, it reminds him that she is like an older sister or a friend to him. He realizes that he looks at her “with admiration” without “emotional on [his] part” (111). This proves that he is less narcissistic and that he is standing firm on the sure ground of maturity and adulthood.
Momratchawong Kirati’s characteristics
Momratchawong Kirati, too, is a narcissist. Her narcissistic character is developed by her family background. She is born into a royal family. Her father is a real noble person who intends to raise his children to be perfect noble persons like him. Her father treats his children with domination, manipulation, and strictness of royal tradition. He always plays a powerful role in the family. He has more power than his wife and daughters, and he is the family’s decisions maker. He has the most influence on the lives of his family members, especially Momratchawong Kirati. As she recounts,
“When I was a girl,” Momratchawong Kirati continued, “I led a very narrow life. While I was growing up, I had no chance to enjoy myself the way ordinary girls do. I didn’t intend to keep myself apart from other women at all, but I was in fact kept apart. I wasn’t a Chao, but the daughter of one. My father was a real Chao Nai. Before the end of the absolute monarchy, most Chao Nai, as you know, really behaved like Chao Nai. They lived in a different world. My father tried to make me and his other children like him. At first I went to school regularly, like anyone else. Then when I reached adolescence, he kept me shut away in his world. He shielded me from contact with the outside world” (64-65).
“วงชีวิตในวัยสาวของฉัน เป็นวงชีวิตที่แคบมาก ฉันไม่มีโอกาสที่จะร่าเริงบันเทิงไจในวัยรุ่นสาวของฉัน ดุจเดียวกับสตรีสาวที่เป็นคนธรรมดาสามัญทั่วไป ฉันไม่ได้ตั้งใจแยกตัวฉันออกจากท่านสุภาพสตรีเหล่านั้นดอก แต่ความจริงฉันได้ถูกแยก ฉันไม่ได้เป็นเจ้า แต่ฉันก้อเป็นลูกเจ้า ท่านพ่อของฉันท่านเป็นเจ้านายแท้จริง ในสมัยที่ยังไม่เปลี่ยนการปกครองบ้านเมืองนั้น เธอก็คงจะทราบแล้วว่า เจ้านายท่านเป็นเจ้านายกันจริง ๆ โดยมาก ท่านอยู่ของท่านต่างหากในโลกอีกโลกหนึ่ง ท่านพ่อของฉันก็พยายามที่จะให้ตัวฉันและลูก ๆ ของท่านเป็นเจ้านายเช่นเดียวกับองค์ท่าน ฉันได้เรียนหนังสืออย่างเป็นกิจจะลักษณะที่โรงเรียนตามสมควร พอเข้าขีดจะเป็นสาวท่านก็เก็บตัวฉันไว้ในโลกของท่าน ท่านป้องกันฉันจากการติดต่อกับโลกภายนอก” (73)
In his greater authority, Momratchawong Kirati’s father attempts to make her and his other children perfect noble persons like him without giving them an opportunity to express themselves. To please her father, Momratchawong Kirati responds to her father’s need by developing the self-image of a noble woman such as being beautiful, attractive, charming, and brilliant. This becomes the beginning of the development of her narcissistic character.
Momratchawong Kirati is a narcissist because she remains in her self-image. Self-image is an essential form of narcissism because without the self-image, narcissists are not able to survive in this world (Comiskey 2000, Haugaards 2001, and Payne 2001). Regarding to Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism (2000), anyone who practices narcissism creates a self-image or false self to cover up their hurts and pains, and for others to worship that self-image both in an admiring and sexually way. As presented in the novel, Momratchawong Kirati has an attractive self-image of a noble woman. Because of her perfect self-image of a noble woman, she always receives appreciation and admiration from people surrounding her. Noppon also is drawn in a sexual way to her self-image from the first time he meets her. In addition, her self-image as being beautiful, attractive, charming, and brilliant can allure everyone including people who only read or study Behind the Painting. Many who read or study Behind the Painting such as M.L. Boonlua Thepyasuwan believe that Momratchawong Kirati is a perfect noble woman who is very beautiful and holds onto morals and good deeds. It is not strange that many people came to believe that way because Momratchawong Kirati, as a narcissist, uses self-promotion to attract others to her self-image.
In relation to Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism (2000), self-promotion is a method narcissists use to draw others to worship their self-images. Thus, for Momratchawong Kirati, reputation and appearance (self-image) are more important than what she feels on the inside. From the first time she meets Noppon, she really wants to show him the love she has for him. Instead of speaking her heart to him, she covers up her love inside. Thus, in her reply to Noppon when she is asked about love, she warns him to think of his study and future, instead. She reminds him that her role is to be the good wife of Chao Khun. In essence, she reminds him to think of other people in the society. This is why she is so worried about how people will think about her when they learn that she has a love affair with another man, who is not her husband. Every time he requests her to tell him that she loves him, she never ever confesses her love. In contrast, she keeps reminding him to focus only on his study and future. Momratchawong Kirati tells Noppon that she does not want him to think of her with the desire to seize her body and soul as his treasures. She explains that to involve with an unfortunate woman like her is not good for him. She tends to show how much she cares about his benefit and future more than for her own needs. On the surface, it seems like Momratchawong Kirati is a good woman, who holds on to morals and good deeds, and she is a person who genuinely loves Noppon, but, in fact, she is not. Her motives have more to do with self-promotion than real love. She wants him to see her as his perfect lover. Thus, she poses as being unselfish and genuinely concerned for him. In addition, her self-promotion is a kind of playing games with Noppon because the more she refuses to say she loves him, the more madly he falls in love with her.
Momratchawong Kirati has a sense of entitlement. The American Psychiatric Association considers a sense of entitlement is a character of narcissism. In the novel, Momratchawong Kirati has an unreasonable expectation of especially favorable treatment from Noppon (and also others). Because of this sense of entitlement, she is easily hurt and disappointed when she finds that he does not pay enough attention to her as he has already changed from what she expects. Earlier in the story, Momratchawong Kirati has tried every way to promote herself to receive Noppon’s attention and appreciation. However, she finally finds out that she has made a big mistake when tells him to stop thinking of her and makes him believe that it is her real wish. Thus, he stops pursuing her and turns his interest to his studies instead. This disappoints Momratchawong Kirati very much and causes her to become very seriously ill.
Momratchawong Kirati’s narcissistic character appears in the way she is unable to take responsibility for her own limitations and mistakes, but tends to blame everything on everybody else. To understand this character better, Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism should be taken into consideration. Comiskey (2000) states that shortcomings, inferiorities, limitations, or mistakes are not acceptable for the narcissist because they conflict with self-image. Thus, narcissists reject their shortcomings, inferiorities, limitations, and mistakes and it results in the way they blame every mistake on others. When she finds that Noppon has changed from what she expects, Momratchawong Kirati becomes seriously ill to the point of death. Before she dies, Noppon goes to visit her. When they are alone in her room, Momratchawong Kirati explodes in outbursts of anger and disappointment. She blames him for the reason that he cannot interpret and understand her real wishes.
“I didn’t think I’d see you today. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, even for one last time in my life.” She gazed at me, her eyes never flinching.
“I’m right here in front of you, now, and I’ll say as long as you want me,” I replied solemnly.
“That’s impossible, Noppon, because you’re not mine.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“That’s right. You wouldn’t understand, because you’ve never, ever understood, right from the first day we met.” There seemed to be a mocking look in her eyes.
“Please tell me what else it is that I don’t understand.”
“You don’t understand anything. Not a single thing. You don’t even understand yourself.”
I could not interpret her meaning. I looked at her uncertainly (122).
“ฉันไม่คิดเลยว่าจะได้พบเธอในวันนี้ ฉันไม่คิดว่าจะได้พบเธออีกเลย แม้จะเป็นครั้งสุดท้ายในชีวิตของฉัน” นัยน์ตาเธอจ้องมองข้าพเจ้าอยู่ไม่วาง“เดี๋ยวนี้ผมก็ได้มาอยู่ต่อหน้าคุณหญิงแล้ว และผมจะอยู่ตลอดไปตราบเท่าที่คุณหญิงต้องการ” ข้าพเจ้าตอบด้วยเสียงหนักแน่น“เป็นไปไม่ได้ดอกนพพร เพราะว่าเธอไม่ใช่ของฉัน”“ผมไม่เข้าใจว่าคุณหญิงหมายความว่ากระไร”“ถูกแล้วเธอไม่ควรจะเข้าใจ เพราะว่าเธอไม่เคยเข้าใจฉันเลยนับแต่วันแรกที่เราได้รู้จักกัน” ดูเหมือนความรู้สึกเย้ยหยันจะได้ปรากฏขึ้นในแววตาของเธอ“โปรดบอกผมว่ามีอะไรอีกบ้างที่ผมยังไม่เข้าใจ”“เธอไม่เข้าใจทุกสิ่งทุกอย่าง เธอไม่เข้าใจทั้งหมด ไม่เข้าใจแม้แต่ตัวของเธอเอง”ข้าพเจ้าแปลความหมายของเธอไม่ออก ข้าพเจ้ามองดูเธอด้วยความฉงนสนเท่ห์ใจ (156)
From the above conversation, Momratchawong Kirati says something that is hard for Noppon to understand. It is not weird that he is unable to understand what she says. Earlier, when he confessed love for her, she always tried to persuade him to think of his studies and his future. She also asked him to think of her like a close friend or an older sister and not to think of her with the desire to seize her body and soul as his treasures. Therefore, Noppon believes that these are her real wishes. But, now, she is accusing him of never ever understanding her since the first day they met. How can he understand her? It is impossible. It is a difficult point for Noppon (and others) to recognize her real purpose. (Many people who read or study on Momratchawong Kirati’s character are not able to recognize her real purpose, either. This is one of the reasons why they come to believe that she is a good woman.) Momratchawong Kirati confuses Noppon by covering up her real need and desire under the image of an unselfish woman who holds on to morality. She shows him that she has to reject him because it is good for him and in order to be faithful to her husband while she longs to have him as her own treasure. She cannot take responsibility for her own mistakes that cause a tragic love, but tends to blame everything on Noppon.
Another narcissistic character of Momratchawong Kirati is a preoccupation with her beauty. According to American Psychiatric Association, narcissist is always preoccupied with beauty. In the novel, Momratchawong Kirati, too, is preoccupied with her own beauty. From her family background, Momratchawong Kirati lives in her teen years without any peer and loses contact with other people outside her family. At her young age, Momratchawong Kirati loses all crucial sources of life from her father, her mother and her friends. She has to live her life in bitterness and emptiness. From her point of view, her life “was a life which condemned [her] to such misfortune, emptiness, and bitterness, such as [she’ll] never forget for the rest of [her] life” (109). “…ชีวิตที่กดชั้นไว้กับความอาภัพแห้งแล้งและขมขื่น จนฉันไม่อาจลืมได้ตลอดชั่วชีวิตของฉัน” (138) To compensate for the emptiness and bitterness, Momratchawong Kirat opts for activities that other people cannot be involved in such as drawing and reading magazines, Vouge and McCalls, (66) from which she obtains “advice on how to take care of and preserve [her] youth and beauty for a long time, so that it would be like the lasting freshness of the hydrangea…” (66). “เป็นบุญอยู่บ้างที่แกชักนำให้ฉันรู้จักว่าในโลกนี้มีหนังสือจำพวกโว้กและแมกคอลล์ซึ่งช่วยแนะทางรักษาความงามความเปล่งปลั่งของฉันไว้ได้ยั่งยืนนาน ดุจความสดชื่นยืนนานของดอกไฮเดรนเยีย (74)”. The magazines, instead of supporting her to have a better life, only lead her to sink deeper into on her own self in a form of narcissism that is presented in the context of preoccupation with her beauty and appearance:
“I have little time to spend reflecting and feeling lonely. I have work to do nearly all day long. I’m interested in drawing and, as you know, I spend a lot of time practicing. I get a lot of pleasure from it. Besides that, I have another kind of regular work, and that is taking care of my looks so that they will last as long as possible. I have to spend several hours a day on my regular routine” (66).
“ฉันไม่มีเวลาที่จะไปใช้ในความความคิดคำนึง และความเปล่าเปลี่ยวมากนัก ฉันมีงานทำเกือบตลอดทั้งวัน ฉันสนใจในการวาดภาพ และใช้เวลาฝึกฝนมากตามที่เธอทราบแล้ว ฉันมีความเพลิดเพลินไปในงานนั้น นอกจากนั้นฉันมีงานที่ต้องทำประจำวันอีกอย่างหนึ่ง คือการบำรุงรักษาความงามความเปล่งปลั่งของฉัน ให้คงอยู่นานที่สุดที่จะนานได้ ฉันต้องใช้เวลาวันหนึ่ง ๆ หลายชั่วโมงเป็นกิจวัตรประจำวันของฉัน” (75)
Momratchawong Kirati, a narcissist, is obsessively preoccupied with her beauty. She sinks deep down into her own beauty until she comes to believe that beauty is the only thing that makes women valuable. As Momratchawong Kirati recalls,
“What’s more,” said Momratchawong Kirati emphatically, “a good woman is sometimes completely overlooked if she is not beautiful as well” (67).
“บางทีคุณความดีของสตรีก็ถูกมองข้ามเลยไป ถ้ามิได้อาศัยอยู่ในความงาม” หม่อมราชวงค์กีรติพูดเน้นคำ (76)
One of the things that makes Momratchawong Kirati come to believe that the value of woman is only in beauty is her mother. As presented in the novel, her mother possesses no self in relation to her father. According to Payne’s psychological concept of narcissism (2001), Payne believes that the position of a mother in relation to a father affects to the attitude of their children, especially their daughter. In Momratchawong Kirati’s case, her mother is lost with relation to the family, devalued, and not accepted as a woman. As her mother has been treated that way, her mother gives her a broken self-image of a woman. Momratchawong Kirati receives that broken image of her mother as her own. Thus, she believes that women are also a decoration of the world.
“Have some sympathy for the female sex. We’re born to be decorations, to please the world, and in order to perform these duties to the best of our ability, we have to preserve our appearance. Of course, that’s not the only duty of the female sex. But you wouldn’t deny, I’m sure, that it is one of them.” (67)
“เธอจงเห็นใจสตรีเพศ เราเกิดมาโดยเขากำหนดให้เป็นเครื่องประดับโลก ประโลมโลก และเพื่อที่จะทำหน้าที่นี้อย่างดีที่สุด เราจำต้องบำรุงรูปโฉมของเราให้ทรงคุณค่าไว้ จริงอยู่ นี่มิใช่หน้าที่อันเดียวหรือทั้งหมดของสตรีเพศ แต่เธอคงไม่ปฏิเสธว่ามันเป็นหน้าที่อันหนึ่งของเรา” (76)
From what she believes, Momratchawong Kirati understands that she, as a decoration of the world, has to try her best to preserve her appearance to please the world. This is one example showing that she is a narcissist who is totally preoccupied with her beauty. At the age of thirty-four, Chao Khun Atthikanbodi expresses his wish to marry her. When her father learns that, he merely advises her and implores her to accept Chao Khun’s offer. When she hears her father advice and pleas for her to agree to marry Chao Khun, Momratchawong Kirati is stunned and then cried “with a mixture of alarm and many other feelings” (69). In that evening, she talks to her own reflection in the mirror expressing her narcissistic belief:
“That evening, I dress myself up immaculately and sat in front of the mirror in my bedroom. For a long while I examined my physical appearance with painstaking care. I still had the figure of a young girl and my looks were without blemish. It was awful to think that this body, which was still young and fresh with beauty, would have to be wedded to a man of fifty. Was it true that this beautiful figure could exist unloved and with no hope of love? I didn’t believe it was possible.” (69-70)
“ในค่ำวันนั้น ฉันแต่งตัวหมดจดงดงามและอยู่ที่หน้ากระจกเงาภายในห้องนอนของฉันเป็นเวลานาน ฉันเฝ้าพินิจพิศดูรูปโฉมของฉันทุกสัดส่วนของร่างกาย ร่างนั้นยังแลดูสาวและไม่ขาดตกบกพร่องในความงาม ฉันรำพึงว่า ร่างที่ยังสดชื่นด้วยความสวยงามนี้หรือจะต้องวิวาห์กับวัยชรา 50 ปี เป็นความจริงหรือที่ร่างงามนี้อุบัติมาไร้ความรักและสิ้นหวังในความรักแล้ว ฉันไม่เชื่อว่าจะเป็นไปได้เลย” (80) The way Momratchawong Kirati talks to her own reflection in the mirror is the same thing that Narcissus, a handsome Greek youth, was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water while he was lying down by a pond to drink. Narcissus was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection as a punishment for rejecting the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. Even though Echo threw herself at him, he rejected her. In her shame, she hid in the forest and eventually turned to stone and left only her voice to be heard. Because of Echo’s plight, another woman rejected by Narcissus prayed that he, too, would fall in love with someone unwilling to return his love. The god Nemesis answered the prayer. Therefore, Narcissus fell in love with himself and could not take his eyes off his own beauty. He despaired yet could not pull himself away from his beloved reflection. Unable to consummate his love, Narcissus pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name, the narcissus. Momratchawong Kirati, like Narcissus, falls in love with her own beauty. She cannot take her eyes from it. She believes that her beauty is so worthy and Chao Khun, an old man, is undeserving of her beauty.
Momratchawong Kirati is also preoccupied with the fantasy of ideal love. In accordance with American Psychiatric Association, the preoccupation with the fantasy of ideal love is a characteristic of narcissism. Chusak Pattarakulvanit mentions that one of the factors that make Momratchawong Kirati preoccupied with the fantasy of ideal love is “many good English books” (66) she receives from her English governess. In Chusak’s study, he assumes that the “many good English books” (66) must be courtly love romantic novels. Thus, by reading these novels, Momratchawong Kirati becomes captive in the world of the fantasy of ideal love. In accordance with Chusak’s assumption, Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism (2000) states that:
some opt instead for the unreal worlds of fantasy in which one attaches to images of sex, love, and intimacy. For those who were not adequately called out by parents and peers, bonding to illusion is a powerful temptation that can become powerfully addictive.
Given the media-saturated environments that many of us grew up in, we have been exposed to and captivated by a barrage of erotic and romantic unrealities. These images in the form of pornography, romance novels, film and TV fed us in our neediness. We became devoted to pursuit of fantasy instead of pursuing personal and relational wholeness. (83)
Thus, because of the romantic novels she has read since she is a young woman, Momratchawong Kirati comes to believe that romance between a man and a woman is something to worship. Thus, she pours out her life seeking to experience romantic love and for a feeling of wholeness.
“Love is a wonderful blessing. It is the ultimate in life. Like everybody else, I liked to dream of love and marriage. I longed for the opportunity to talk about, and experience for myself life in the new world, just as my two younger sisters had had. I longed to have a house of my own and to mix with the outside world. I longed for children, on whom I could lavish the love and tenderness in my heart. I longed for my lap and my arms to benefit another. And I longed for many other wonderful things which I could have attained if only I had found love” (68).
“ความรักเป็นพรอันประเสริฐ เป็นยอดปรารถนาของชีวิต ฉันก็เหมือนกับคนทั้งหลาย ย่อมปรารถนาใฝ่ฝันถึงความรักและการแต่งงาน ฉันปรารถนาที่จะพูดถึงและรู้สึกด้วยตนเองในเรื่องราวของชีวิตในโลกใหม่ ดังที่น้องสาวสองคนได้มีโอกาสเช่นนั้น ฉันปรารถนาที่จะมีบ้านเป็นของฉันเอง ที่จะติดต่อสมาคมกับโลกภายนอก ปรารถนาที่จะมีบุตรน้อย ๆ เพื่อที่ฉันจะได้หลั่งความเมตตาปราณีจากดวงใจฉันให้แก่เขา ฉันปรารถนาที่จะให้ตัก ให้แขนของฉันเป็นประโยชน์แกคนอื่น ยังมีความปรารถนาอันงดงามอีกหลายอย่างที่ฉันย่อมจะบรรลุได้ถ้าเพียงแต่ฉันได้พบความรัก” (77-78)
For Momratchawong Kirati, romance between a man and a woman is so distorted that it becomes almost an object of worship, as she declares that it is the most importance thing in life. She seeks to experience in romantic love a consuming sensation and a feeling of wholeness. She believes that if she has love, her life will be complete. From what she believes, it proves that Momratchawong Kirati is self-seeking. Viewed from the narcissistic psychological concept of Comiskey and Paynes, self-seeking is narcissistic. What should be noticed here is when Momratchawong Kirati says, “I’m a human being” (ก็ฉันเป็นคน) and “Like everybody else” (ฉันก็เหมือนกับคนทั้งหลาย), these are meant to show that she is a real woman who has blood, flesh, and desires. She keeps saying, “I longed for…I longed for…I longed for…” (ฉันปรารถนา…ฉันปรารถนา…ฉันปรารถนา…) and “I needed…I needed…I needed…” (ฉันต้องการ…ฉันต้องการ…ฉันต้องการ…), again and again the meaning of the words is not simple, meaning exactly as she said them, but it is complex and ambiguous. As she repeats the words “I longed for” (ฉันปรารถนา) and “I needed” (ฉันต้องการ) many times, it shows that the meaning of the words “I longed for” (ฉันปรารถนา) and “I needed” (ฉันต้องการ) are deeper than all the things that she referred to and that she wanted to have and to be. That is because one of the important things which drives her to repeat the words “I longed for” (ฉันปรารถนา) and “I needed” (ฉันต้องการ) many times, is her strong sexual desire. Evidence which proves that Momratchawong Kirati is overwhelmed by a strong sexual desire is in her conversation with Noppon on Mount Mitake. On the mountain, she is asked about her attitude toward marriage. Before telling Noppon everything, she begins her story by saying, “Up until now it’s been difficult to tell you how I really feel, because it might have looked as if I were showing off or had some indecent thoughts of mind” (67) “ถึงตอนนี้ออกจะเป็นการยากลำบากที่ฉันจะกล่าวความรู้สึกอันจริงใจแก่เธอ เพราะดูว่าฉันจะเป็นคนโอ้อวด หรือคิดตะเกียกตะกายไปในทางที่บัดสี” (87) This sentence obviously reveals that, deep inside her, she has a strong sexual desire that she seeks to experience from marriage. This finding is in accordance with Kam Phaka’s study (2005). For Kam Phaka, Momratchawong Kirati is a “hot woman” (38) and the ideal love of Momratchawong Kirati consists of “horniness” (39). Certainly, she is excessively preoccupied with the fantasy of ideal love which consists of sex. She tells Noppon she does not love her husband for the reason that he is 15 years older than her while she is developing her secretive adulterous love affair with Noppon who is 13 years younger than her. (Chao Khun is 50 years old, Momratchawong Kirati is 35 years old, and Noppon is 22 years old.) In fact, many people may consider Momratchawong Kirati too old for Noppon (though she looks younger than she is). Why does she believe that the love between her and Noppon is able to occur while she does not believe that it is possible to have love between her and Chao Khun? The reason is that she mistakenly associates love with sex. In her view, the sex act is a crucial element of love. If there is no sex act, there is no love. In her conversation with Noppon in the garden of the hotel in Kamakura, Noppon is curious to learn about the love that Chao Khun has toward his wife. Thus, he asks Momratchawong Kirati about that. In response, she reveals that she does not believe that her husband loves her or needs her love in return because he is old and not able satisfy her with sex act:
“And what about Chao Khun? Does he love you?”
“…I’ve already said, I don’t believe in love between an old man and a young woman, so I don’t expect him to love me deeply.”
“You mean he doesn’t want love, that he’s not looking for love, even from his own wife?”
“That’s right, that’s what I mean. And I believe that’s the truth.”
“Why?”
“Because his sexual desire has dried up with old age. His days of loving have passed. Now he doesn’t know how to love, because he has nothing to love with, to give me the love I need.” (52)
“แล้วเจ้าคุณเล่า ท่านรักคุณหญิงหรือไม่”“…ฉันบอกเธอแล้วว่าฉันไม่เชื่อในความรักระหว่างชายแก่กับหญิงสาว และเพราะฉะนั้นฉันไม่ได้คาดหมายความรักอันรัดรึงใจจากท่าน”“คุณหญิงหมายความว่าท่านไม่ต้องการความรัก ท่านไม่แสวงหาความรัก แม้กระทั่งในภริยาของท่านเช่นนั้นหรือ”“ถูกแล้ว ฉันหมายความเช่นนั้น และฉันเชื่อว่าความจริงเป็นเช่นนั้น”“เพราะเหตุใดเล่า”“เพราะว่าน้ำรักของท่านเจ้าคุณได้เหือดแห้งไปพร้อมกับวัยชราของท่านเสียแล้ว วันแห่งรสรักได้ผ่านพ้นท่านไปเสียแล้ว เดี๋ยวนี้ท่านไม่รู้ว่าท่านจะรักได้อย่างไร ท่านรักฉันไม่ได้ เพราะว่าท่านไม่มีสิ่งที่จะประกอบขึ้นเป็นความรัก ความรักตามอุดมทัศนีย์ของฉัน” (55)
From the above conversation, Momratchawong Kirati believes that Chao Khun is unable to love her “because his sexual desire has dried up with old age” (52) and “he doesn’t know how to love, because he has nothing to love with, to give [her] the love [she] need[s]” (52). What Momratchawong Kirati says proves that for her sex is a crucial element of love, her “ideal love” (52), “ความรักตามอุดมทัศนีย์ของฉัน” (55). Thus, when Chao Khun is not able to give her sex and fulfill her sexual need, she believes that he does not love her. Noppon is indeed a young man still in puberty. She feels sexual arousal in his young age. When he responds to her his sexual desire, Momratchawong Kirati is convinced that it is true love. Every time she sees Noppon, she perceives that he is her perfect lover.
Momratchawong Kirati takes advantage of others to achieve her own ends. In accordance with American Psychiatric Association, narcissism is interpersonally exploitative such as taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends. Momratchawong Kirati has never been among other people for very long time. She has not had any chance to learn to extend or sacrifice herself for others so what she focuses on is only her situation, her needs and wishes which must be satisfied. For Momratchawong Kirati, it is difficult to stretch herself to become involved in others’ needs if there is nothing to gain personally. She becomes involved in marriage with Chao Khum not because she loves him, but because she believes that her marriage with Chao Khun will help her to achieve many things she wants. Although Chao Khun’s request suggests that her chance of finding love and marrying a man she loves has completely gone, she, finally, decides to accept Chao Khun’s wishes. As she explains,
“I had had to spend a full thirty-four years of my life in a confined world. I was thoroughly bored and lonely. Even a tiny bird leaves its nest when its wings are strong and flies around, seeing the great wide world. And I’m a human being and fully grown, to the point of being on the downward path, so why should I stay in the same place? I wanted contact with the outside world. I needed a change in my life. I needed something that was different from what I had been doing for thirty-four years. The only thing that was going to help me achieve this was marriage.” (71)
“ฉันต้องใช้ชีวิตอยู่ในโลกอันแคบมาเป็นเวลาถึง 34 ปีเต็ม ฉันทั้งเบื่อหน่ายและเงียบเหงาเปล่าเปลี่ยวเต็มที แต่นกน้อยเมื่อปีกแข็งยังสละรัง เที่ยวโบยบินไปชมโลกอันกว้างใหญ่ไพศาล ก็ฉันเป็นคน และเติบโตเต็มที่จนจะคล้อยไปในทางร่วงโรยอยู่แล้ว เหตุใดจะมาจับเจ่าเฝ้าอยู่แต่แห่งเดียว ฉันต้องการติดต่อกับโลกภายนอก ต้องการความเปลี่ยนแปลงในชีวิต ต้องการประกอบกิจวัตรที่ผิดแผกแตกต่างไปจากที่ฉันได้ทำมาแล้วตลอดเวลา 34 ปีบ้าง ไม่มีอะไรจะช่วยให้ฉันบรรลุความต้องการเหล่านี้ได้ นอกจากการแต่งงาน” (81)
Here, it is clear that she decides to marry Chao Khun to gain from him. Meanwhile, she is not able give herself to him. She takes advantage of him. When she finds that marriage with Chao Khun cannot help her to achieve these things. She turns her interest to Noppon with a new hope. She believes that he is her perfect lover who is able to rescue her from misfortune. Therefore, she jumps at Noppon and develops a secret love affair with him. She does not care about to the feelings of Chao Khun who always loves, honors, trusts, and respects her.
Momratchawong Kirati’s narcissistic character is shown in another way by her strong need to constantly stay with someone else and her need to be affirmed by others. In order to understand Momratchawong Kirati, Comisky’s concept of narcissism (2000) should be taken into consideration:
But narcissism isn’t the only path to take. Instead of prompting one to hide behind the safety of an “image,” an insecure personal identity may drive one to seek completion in another. (S)he may swing from one to the other, striking a protective, narcissistic posture at one point, then in a flash of neediness submitting oneself wrongfully to another. Like narcissism, idolizing another sexually and emotionally is a fallen attempt to repair the self bound by past hurt, emotional deprivation, and self-rejection. (109)
Momratchawong Kirati has lived under the domination of her father, who has never treated her as a woman who has flesh and blood throughout her entire life. She lacks her own identity as a woman. She does not know how to cope with her own life. The only thing she knows is her life should be attached to someone in order to search for her identity, which is called self-seeking. When she realizes that living with her father is only emptiness, she starts looking for a new person to rely on. When Chao Khun expresses his wish to marry her, though she does not love him, she decides to marry him for the reason that he would be able to save her from her misfortune. When she finds that Chao Khun is not able to satisfy her in many areas of life and that she still experiences emptiness and feels herself unaffirmed, she longs for someone else. When she has known Noppon just only one week, she is drawn to him. She sees him as her “Columbus” (29). To her, he can be an explorer, a navigator, or a leader.
For Momratchawong Kirati, relationships with others often involve control, manipulation, and attempts at owning other people. For a better understanding of this character of Momratchawong Kirati, Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism (2000) should be taken in consideration. Comiskey (2000) explains that “the narcissist’s lack of sexual resolve and integration is often at the base of such helplessness. Promiscuous sexual activity, such as seduction, thus becomes a means of wielding power and control over someone while preventing any real intimacy from occurring.” Momratchawong Kirati lives her life in rejection. She has been rejected by her father all of her life. Her true self as a flesh and blood woman is not acceptable to him. Her father is quick to retract love and attention from her when she does not act in the way he expects her to. This makes it difficult for her to learn how to receive and give real love. What she has learned from her father is just to control, manipulate, and attempt to own others. In the story, Momratchawong Kirati seduces Noppon every time she has an opportunity. She always makes the first move to Noppon and always expresses her wishes to go out with him alone. The first time she expresses her wish to be with him alone is when she invites him out for a walk in the village near their house during the third week after they met. Since the first time they are together, Noppon cannot see Momratchawong Kirati as an ordinary person, but he sees her as “a poet” (28), “a philosopher” (28), “someone special” (28), “an artist” (30), “a painter” (30), and “a writer” (30). After having close contact with her personally just for two weeks, Noppon finds that she is not an innocent woman. As he recalls,
Two weeks passed and the friendship between the two of us blossomed. I saw a completely different Momratchawong Kirati…It surprised me that Chao Khun Atthikanbodi should think that his wife knew so little about life and the outside world. (25)
เมื่อสองสัปดาห์ผ่านไป เมื่อความสนิทสนมได้มีขึ้นในระหว่างเราทั้งสอง ข้าพเจ้ามองเห็นหม่อมราชวงค์กีรติเป็นอีกคนหนึ่ง...ข้าพเจ้าประหลาดใจว่า ทำไมเจ้าคุณอธิการบดีจึงเห็นไปว่าภรรยาของท่านยังรู้จักโลกและชีวิตน้อยนัก (18) From Noppon’s above narration, though he does not understand that Momratchawong Kirati is seducing him, he senses that she is not an innocent woman. Another incident showing that she tends to seduce Noppon is when Chao Khun and Momratchawong Kirati receive an invitation to a party. She declines to go with Chao Khun for a purpose. Thus, she lies to her husband that she prefers to stay home because she is not feeling well and so does not want to be among crowds of people. Chao Khun, who sees his wife as an innocent woman, asks Noppon to stay and keep her company. After her husband has gone out, Momratchawong Kirati dresses up beautifully and goes in a rowboat under the moonlight in the park with Noppon:
To add a little to the pleasure of the outing to the park that evening, Momratchawong Kirati was wearing a silk kimono with a bold red pattern set against a white background, like a large bunch of chrysanthemums I had seen at Takarazuka Park the previous autumn. The moon was fully visible between the clouds. It shone down on the chrysanthemums all over her body making them appear alive. When she turned her face upwards, a gentle breeze blew through her hair so that it danced in the moonlight. The sparkle in her eyes way like a ray of light calling all of my attention to that one spot (37).
เพื่อที่จะหาทางเพิ่มความสนุกเล็กน้อยในการออกมาเที่ยวเล่นในสวนคืนวันนั้น หม่อมราชวงค์กีรติสวมกิโมโนแพรสีขาว มีลวดลายสีแดงเด่นบนพื้นแพรขาวนั้น ดูงามดั่งดอกคริสแซนติมั่มช่อใหญ่ ที่ข้าพเจ้าได้ชม ณ สวนตาการะซูกะเมื่อฤดูออทัมน์ปีที่แล้ว จันทร์แหวกเมฆออกมาเต็มดวง แสงส่องต้องดอกคริสแซนติมัมที่มีชีวิตวิญญาณทั่วสรรพางค์กาย เมื่อหม่อมราชวงค์กีรติเงยพักตร์ขึ้นรับแสงจันทร์นั้น มีลมโชยพัดมา เส้นเกศาของเธอเต้นอยู่กลางแสงจันทร์ น้ำที่กล่ออยู่ในดวงเนตรของเธอเป็นประกาย เรียกร้องความสนใจทั้งหมดของข้าพเจ้าให้มารวมอยู่ ณ ที่นั้น (35)
From the above exerpt, we see that Momratchawong Kirati seduces Noppon by dramatically posing her beautiful image in the romantic environment to attract his total attention. Because of her dramatic posture, he cannot see her as a real person, but he sees her as “a lively Chrysanthemum” (“ดอกคริสแซนติมัมที่มีชีวิต วิญญาณทั่วสรรพางค์กาย,” 35). She tends to make Noppon fall in love not with her as a real person, but with the way she wants him to see her (her image). Without resistance, he is in love with the idea of Momratchawong Kirati or the appearance of Momratchawong Kirati. She uses not only her surreal sexual image to seduce Noppon, she also uses carefully chosen words to arouse his desire to be stronger. In the conversations between Noppon and Momratchawong Kirati throughout the story, but she tends to use a particular word in naming and labeling him like he is a little boy as a means to show her power over him. Here are the examples of such word:
“You’re so awful, it’s almost cute” (30)
“เธอดื้ออย่างน่ารัก” (24)
“You’re stubborn today, Noppon”
“วันนี้นพพรดื้อจริง ๆ” (30)
“That kind of behavior spoils you” (35)
“จะทำให้เธอเสียเด็ก” (31)
“…my dear boy” (45)
“เด็กดีของฉัน” (46)
“Noppon, you’re a sweet and lovely boy” (49)
“เธอเป็นเด็กที่น่ารักและสมควรจะรักจริง ๆ” (51)
“My dear boy” (76)
“คนดีของฉัน” (87)
Here, Momratchawong Kirati intentionally uses these words to connote her kindness, hence legitimizing her to admire and to warn Noppon. Furthermore, these kinds of words not only make him feel impressed and respect her, but they arouse a sexual feeling of a young man as he expresses his feeling that “at these words I felt my heart racing” (51), “ด้วยคำพูดประโยคนี้ ข้าพเจ้ารู้สึกเสียวแปลบที่หัวใจ” (52). Besides naming and labeling Noppon like he is a little boy, Momratchawong Kirati also uses questions that convince him that he has a special feeling toward her. On the night in Kamakura, while Chao Khun is enjoying himself in the grand hall in the hotel, Momratchawong Kirati once again invites Noppon to go outside. In the garden of the hotel at Kamakura, she starts way to tell him the opinion which Chao Khun has toward the relationship between the two of them:
“Earlier this evening Chao Khun told me he was very pleased to see that you and I are getting on so well. He said that you were a nice boy and that he had been quite right in guessing that I would like you a lot.”
“Did he mean it quite sincerely when he said he was pleased? Is it true that he doesn’t object to us being close?”
“Why do you ask?” she retorted. “Is there anything in our friendship to object to? And what makes you doubt the sincerity of Chao Khun?” (49)
I was stumped for a moment.
“What’s the matter with you this evening? You’re not so quick with your answers as usual.” She patted me gently on the arm and we smiled as our eyes met. “Are you afraid Chao Khun is jealous of you?”
I was startled. “Is there any reason I should be afraid?”
“เมื่อตอนหัวค่ำนี้ เจ้าคุณได้พูดกับฉันว่า ท่านมีความยินดีมากที่เห็นเธอกับฉันมีความสนิทสนมรักใคร่กันดี ท่านบอกว่า เธอเป็นเด็กที่น่ารัก และท่านได้คาดถูกแล้วว่าฉันจะพอใจเธอมาก”“ท่านแสดงความยินดีด้วยน้ำใสใจจริงโดยแท้หรือ ท่านไม่รังเกียจในความสนิทสนมระหว่างคุณหญิงและผมจริงหรือ”“เพราะเหตุใดเหล่าเธอจึงถามเช่นนี้” เธอกลับย้อนถาม “มีอะไรในความสนิทสนมของเราที่น่ารังเกียจ และด้วยเหตุผลอะไรที่ทำให้เธอสงสัยน้ำใสใจจริงของเจ้าคุณ”ข้าพเจ้างงไปครู่หนึ่ง “ผมเสียใจที่ถามออกไปเช่นนั้น ผมเองก็ไม่ทราบว่ามีอะไรมาดลใจให้ตั้งคำถามอย่างไร้เหตุผลเช่นนั้น ผมรู้สึกว่าผมไม่มีเหตุผลอะไรเลยแม้แต่นิดเดียว ที่จะสงสัยความรู้สึกอันดีของท่าน”“เธอแน่ใจหรือ” หม่อมราชวงค์กีรติกลับย้อมถามข้าพเจ้าก็กลับงงไปอีกครั้งหนึ่ง ข้าพเจ้าไม่อาจที่จะตอบคำถามของเธอได้ทันทีทันใด“คืนนี้เธอเป็นอะไรไป ดูตอบคำถามของฉันไม่คล่องแคล่วเหมือนอย่างเคยเลย” เธอตบที่แขนข้าพเจ้าเบา ๆ แล้วเราก็ยิ้มให้กันเมื่อแลสบตากัน “เธอกลัวว่าเจ้าคุณท่านจะหึงเธอใช่ไหม”ข้าพเจ้าสะดุ้ง “ผมมีเหตุผลที่คิดกลัวไปเช่นนั้นหรือ” (52)
From the above conversation between Momratchawong Kirati and Noppon, it is noteworthy that she uses only questions in her conversation with him. The questions she uses lead him to understand and believe that he has a special feeling toward her. Being asked so many questions, Noppon feels “stunned” (50). He has no time to think before he responds to her. Momratchawong Kirati does not give him a long time to think of the answer. She asks him some more questions to assure him that the way he feels toward her is love, for instance:
“Am I telling your thoughts right?” (50)
“ฉันทายความคิดของเธอถูกหรือไม่” (57)
“Why should you think Chao Khun is jealous of you?” (50)
“เธอมีเหตุผลอะไรเล่าที่คิดไปว่าเจ้าคุณท่านจะหึงเธอ” (53)
“Aren’t you fully worthy of his trust?” (50)
“เธอไม่สมควรจะได้รับความไว้วางใจอย่างเต็มที่จากท่านหรอกหรือ” (53)
“Aren’t your thoughts suitably innocent?” (50)
“จิตใจของเธอไม่บริสุทธิ์พอหรือ” (53)
Momratchawong Kirati knows so well that Noppon has a degree of appreciation and admiration toward her. Because of this appreciation and admiration, she finds herself caught up in the sexual energy at hand. She wants to be seen as a tough yet feminine object of desire, and she begins to posture herself in a way that is at once an assertion of strength and seductive intent. Momratchawong Kirati uses her sexuality as a means of attracting Noppon to her wrongfully. Her body and her thoughts have become enslaved to the power of seduction in the way that she has sought out to control Noppon by seducing him. She enjoys the power and pleasure seduction has afforded her. She also acts as an innocent woman, who has nothing to do with the uncommon number of people, such as Noppon, who finds himself drawn to her in sexual and emotional ways.
Momratchawong Kirati has an exaggerated need to hold onto the happiness she experienced in the past. For her, what happened to her in Japan was the best moment in her life. All of her life, she constantly dreams of love and marriage. When she meets Noppon in Japan and develops the love affair with him, she comes to believe that she has found the love she has longed for all of her life (though at that time she is already married to Chao Khun). Momratchawong Kirati believes that she has succeeded and fulfilled her dream in life. She wants to hold onto that moment as long as she can. So, when she goes back to Thailand, she lives her life in confusion and the fantasy of her past happiness. After Chao Khun passes away, she builds a new house which is located far away from the community. She lives in that house without contact with people outside her family. She even decorates her garden like the garden at Nikko, Japan. She does so to relive the sensation of the best moment in her life while waiting patiently for Noppon to return to Thailand. Momratchawong Kirati lives in her fantasy world with the hope that after Noppon returns to Thailand her love will end happily ever after. She seeks to secure the love she always longed for by burying herself in the fantasy world she has created. She rejects reality and buries herself in narcissism without realizing that she is alone living in a world of fantasy, but other people are living in the world of reality. Momratchawong Kirati forgets the fact that in the world of reality, everything always changes and new things are born every day. She only believes that everything including Noppon will remain the same as yesterday. Therefore, on the day Noppon arrives Thailand, she once again wears the same navy blue dress she has been wearing when she first meets him in Tokyo. She does so to inspire the devotion he used to have for her. However, she finally realizes that Noppon has changed from what she has expected him to be. She is very disappointed and hurt. She is stunned once again when Noppon brings up the matter that he is to be getting married soon. The news of Noppon’s wedding causes her to be saddened. Although she has invested everything to create a self-image to impress, to seduce, and to wield her power to control Noppon like she did before, he is no longer interested in her like in he was in the past.
Momratchawong Kirati is so wounded within and so lacking in genuine self-acceptance that when she is rejected she is in extreme pain. This pain is the pain of being rejected, of loneliness and of the anxiety built up over the years. This is the pain which causes her to become seriously ill. Every time Momratchawong Kirati has a ranging fever, she frequently becomes delirious. In her delirium, she often talks about her trip to Japan and mentions Noppon’s name. Whenever anyone comes to visit her, she always asks if he or she is Noppon. Thus, that makes her aunt decides to invite Noppon to visit Momratchawong Kirati. Once Noppon hears about her sickness, he goes strait to visit her. To his surprise, at Momratchawong Kirati’s house he finds that he cannot visit her right away. He is asked to wait until she finishes dressing up. Momratchawong Kirati explains to her aunt why she is worried about getting dressed:
“It really is most essential for me to dress up nicely to receive a dear friend. Suthan, please help me to get dressed. Dress me up really nicely, the way you know I like. Please do my hair again and put my lipstick on, the way I usually have it and bring me some nice dresses from the wardrobe for me to choose from. Suthan, please help me to look beautiful again, just one more time before I die.” (120)
“เป็นการจำเป็นมากที่ฉันจะต้องแต่งตัวอย่างสะสวยเพื่อรับรองมิตรที่รักของฉัน สุธารจงช่วยแต่งตัวให้พี่ แต่งอย่างดีที่สุดตามที่เธอทราบแล้วว่าพี่พอใจอย่างไร แต่งผมให้พี่ใหม่ และทาริมฝีปากตามแบบของพี่ แล้วไปขนเสื้องาม ๆ ในตู้มาให้เลือกดู สุธาร จงช่วยชุบพี่ให้งามอีกสักครั้งหนึ่งก่อนที่พี่จะตาย” (153)
Though she is going to die, Momratchawong Kirati attempts to hide herself under a false beauty and not only with her body. She also creates an atmosphere in her bedroom that is so beautiful that it is hard for Noppon to believe that it is the room of an invalid. As he describes the moment that he first sees the room,
Momratchawong Kirati was lying down in the bedroom. As I entered the room, I was stunned for a moment. I had been expecting to find a sick person near to death, lying in a dark, stuffy room, full of bottles of medicine, with two or three people sitting there, weeping profusely. But I had pictured things quite different from reality. It was about five o’clock, and inside the room was bright with the late afternoon light which shone through each of the wide-open windows. Momratchawong Kirati was sitting on the bed, propped up by a pillow, with her legs stretched out along the length of the bed. A white blanket with a green Chinese-style pattern covered the lower part of her body. She wore a blouse of the same color, and on top of that, a black-velvet jacket. This was to prevent me from seeing any part of her body which might lead me to the conclusion that she was on the verge of death. Her hair and face had been carefully done and concealed the extent of the deterioration in her condition. At just a glance, the red triangle shape of her lips almost deceived me into thinking that there was nothing wrong with her at all. On a small beside table stood a crystal vase containing a poinsettia, a cage hung from the window with Kiribun birds in them. The birds hopped about, chirping merrily. Everything in the room had been arranged tastefully. There was no sign that it was the room of someone who was terminally ill. I almost began to think I had been misled or something (120-121).
หม่อมราชวงศ์กีรตินอนเจ็บอยู่ในห้องนอน เมื่อข้าพเจ้าย่างเท้าก้าวลงธรณีประตูห้องเข้าไปนั้น ข้าพเจ้างงไปชั่วขณะหนึ่ง ข้าพเจ้ามุ่งคิดไปแต่ว่า จะต้องเผชิญกับภาพของคนเจ็บที่ใกล้จะตาย นอนอยู่ในห้องที่ออกจะขมุกขมัวด้วยอับอากาศ เกลื่อนไปด้วยขวดยาและมีคนสองสามคนนั่งดูอาการอยู่ ฟูมฟายไปด้วยน้ำตา แต่มโนภาพของข้าพเจ้าคลาดไปจากความจริงไปหมด ภายในห้องนั้นเปล่งปลั่งไปด้วยแสงสว่างของยามเย็นเวลาประมาณ 5 โมง ซึ่งสาดเข้ามาทางหน้าต่างทุกบานซึ่งเปิดอ้าออกเต็มที่ หม่อมราชวงศ์กีรตินั่งอยู่บนที่นอน หลังพิงหมอนด้านหัวเตียง เหยียดเท้าไปตามส่วนยาวของเตียง มีผ้าขาวลวดลายศิลปะแบบจีนสีเขียวคลุมกายท่อนล่าง สวมเสื้อสีเดียวกับลวดลายของผ้าคลุมนั้นและยังมีเสื้อคลุมกำมะหยี่สีดำสวมอยู่อีกชั้นหนึ่ง เป็นการปกป้องกำบังมิให้ข้าพเจ้าได้แลเห็นส่วนต่าง ๆ แห่งร่างกาย ซึ่งจะชวนให้ลงความเห็นได้ว่า ร่างนั้นกำลังเคลื่อนเข้ามาอยู่ใกล้แดนมรณะเต็มทีแล้ว ทรงผมและดวงหน้าได้รับการตบแต่งอย่างประณีตบรรจง สามารถพรางความเหี่ยวแห้งทรุดโทรมอันแทบจะถึงภินทนาการไว้ได้ในชั่วขณะที่ได้เหลือบดูไปแต่ผาด ๆ รูปสามเหลี่ยมสีแดงรูปบนริมฝีปากงามคู่นั้น แทบจะทำให้ข้าพเจ้าหลงไปว่า หม่อมราชวงศ์กีรติมิได้ประสบความป่วยเจ็บแต่อย่างใดเลย บนโต๊ะเล็ก ๆ ข้างเตียงตั้งแจกันแก้วเจียระไน บรรจุช่อคริสต์มาสสีแดงสดชื่นระรื่นตา ที่ริมหน้าต่างข้างเตียงนอนมีกรงนกคีรีบูนแขวนอยู่สองกรง เจ้านกน้อยกำลังโลดเต้นและส่งเสียงร้องอยู่อย่างผาสุก ทุกสิ่งทุกอย่างภายในห้องได้รับการตบแต่งจัดไว้อย่างสวยงาม ไม่มีร่องรอยว่าจะเป็นห้องของบุคคลที่กำลังเจ็บหนักใกล้ถึงกาลอวสานเลย ข้าพเจ้าแทบจะสงสัยไปว่า นี่ถูกหลอกหรืออย่างไร (154-155)
Although she is very sick and weak, she retreats into a romantic illusion by getting dressed beautifully and creating a romantic atmosphere in her bedroom. The illusion she creates is a defense against reality. The reality that her being rejected by Noppon is unacceptable to her. Thus, covering herself up with a fake beauty and a dramatic atmosphere are the things that help to conceal her vulnerability. In front of Noppon’s presence, she projects herself to him as though she was fine and not seriously ill. She does not know how to cope with this reality. She, therefore, decides to admit to Noppon that she loves him too. Regarding to Comiskey’s psychological concept of narcissism, saying something like “I need you” is forbidden for narcissist. Therefore, saying “I love you” (like “I need you”) is forbidden for Momratchawong Kirati, a narcissist. This confession is a monumental and painful step for her. It is monumental because it means stepping out of the false security of an image that has been carefully projected to others, especially Noppon. Thus, she experiences deep pain without the image of deception. She becomes truly known, not only for her wholeness and accomplishment but for brokenness and intense struggle as well. In his psychological concept of narcissism, Comiskey refers to the danger of narcissism that affects the narcissist. As he notes,
Narcissism may protect one from the pain of rejection, but it leaves a hollow vessel which can’t even love itself, let alone another. In striving to discover a sense of who one is and how one can cope in a painful world, narcissism offers the vulnerable a deadening solution. (106)
Momratchawong Kirati, in fact, cannot even love herself nor can she love others. As for her disease, it has been understood that if she is well cared for, the condition will not get worse and that there is hope that she may get better. Since she finds that she has lost her love, she stops taking care of herself until the condition of the disease is beyond hope. She opts for death without considering the pain and sorrow she will cause her family and friends by her death. She does not consider the feelings of others who have always loved her (her parents, her aunt, her sisters, and Noppon). Though Noppon does not love her like a lover, he genuinely loves her as a friend or a sister. Momratchawong Kirati is only seeking to experience a romantic relationship between a man and a woman. As long as she is in love, the world is beautiful, filled with color, in a place of never-ending happiness. When she is not in love, the world is so cold and painful that she is not able to live in it. After finding out that there is no hope of being in love, she pours out her heart and soul in painting Noppon a picture, confesses that she loves him, gives the picture to him, and dies. Seven days after telling Noppon she loves him, Momratchawong Kirati dies surrounding by Noppon, all her friends and close relatives who dearly love her. Before the end of her life, she wants to say a few words to Noppon, but her voice and all her strength have gone. Thus, she writes on a piece of paper a passage which provokes a piteous narcissistic point of view, and the story ends with these words:
I die with no one love me, [sic]
yet content that I have someone to love (124).
ฉันตายโดยปราศจากคนที่ฉันรักแต่ฉันก็อิ่มใจว่า ฉันมีคนที่ฉันรัก (158)
Translated by the researcher from ศรีบูรพา. ข้างหลังภาพ. กรุงเทพฯ, ดอกหญ้า, 2547.
Translated by the researcher from ศรีบูรพา. ข้างหลังภาพ. กรุงเทพฯ, ดอกหญ้า, 2547.
Translated by the researcher from ศรีบูรพา. ข้างหลังภาพ. กรุงเทพฯ, ดอกหญ้า, 2547.
